Some more thoughts
You seem like a good person with some very serious problems. Please find a good therapist! You'll have to keep looking until you find a professional who can help you to dig deeper into the issues that are causing you so much pain. The good news is that there are lots of people (psychologists, psychiatrists, clinical social workers and master's-level counselors) who do this type of work, so your chances of finding the right therapist are excellent. I'm just a random, anonymous guy from a discussion group on a porn website! You need a professional.
Women like this will reinforce your low self-esteem because it allows them to control you. Don't fall into that trap. You will have to make your own decision about whether or not to get divorced, but just remember that 50 is not too old to start over. There are tons of loyal, sincere older women out there who would give anything to find a good partner. They don't look like Kate Hudson, but who cares? A year from now, you could wake up with a lovely woman and wonder why you put up with your wife for so long!
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