Thank you for the good advice! The problem I'm going through is a little deeper than that. While the advice is good, I'm kind of looking for the opposite. The thing is that I don't want to want it. I really hate to want it. What I truly want deep down is not only to make my family happy and proud, but the dreams I've always had of the white husband, children, etc.
Like I sort of touched upon earlier, my sexual thoughts are at a stand still and won't seem to evolve or change as they've always have. I could be masturbating and trying to hold on real hard to a certain thought or fantasy, but it's almost like the closer I actually get to climax, the more I want to switch my thoughts to a black man, enormous penises, or the concept of being filled up by them. I do pretty good pushing those thoughts away until the tension of near climax. In the moment and the heat, I'll actually give in and as I said before, I'll totally yell out something so racy and wrong and it immediately will send me right over. Like my thoughts Switch right over to a video I've recently seen on Tumblr, where a woman keeps repeating, "Black studs breeding all the white women" as they show scenes of white girls being completely filled... Masturbating is, eh, ok I guess, until that vision forces its way into my head and I yell something absolutely ridiculous out like, "Breed me, breed me black!" They are some of the most power orgasm I think I've ever experienced, but afterwards, in tremendous guilt and regret, I wonder why I couldn't even fight the idea off. I absolutely hate that it does this to me and I don't know why.
I've thought maybe it's something biological, like maybe the large penises or the amount of ejaculation is a biological thing I want, but it doesn't necessity help the guild. I just don't want to want it, at all. But it's like the more I push it away, the more that explosion is the very moment I give in. It's been a good four months or so, and it's the only thing that sends me right over the edge.
I hate it, I'm trying to move on or get rid of it, but it drives me insane with how much my body wants it, and betrays me at every chance. If I act on it, I feel like something truly bad will happen (like pregnancy).